Finally

I am starting to get over this sickness whatever it was it was bad bad bad .. Today I have been able to get out of bed and do a small amount of cleaning ok I started a load of laundry and folded a load of laundry and cleaned off the dining room table of a bit of mail ...That's a lot compared to what I have been able to do actually since Billy died...... I was actually getting sick on the first but wanted to wait and fill my prescription to make sure I was really sick on the 1st, then Billy shooting himself on the 4th and I just went numb I guess, I didn't feel sick, my shoulder didn't, hurt my back didn't hurt...The things that did get hurt is my heart, its still broken, my poor family...... we are a very close family and always spent holidays together and the biggest one of the year is the one we have to go through first...I really don't think Billy knew the damage that he would cause to himself the devastation of his life and those of us who love him...gosh there just aren't any words to explain how I feel...I do know that I want to do more things with my life I don't want to just sit and watch life pass my by ...Andrew is home we will be back on creative supports and then doing activities and I want to make as good of a life for my kids as possible I don't ever want them to think suicide is the only way out ...gosh 3 weeks ago I didn't even know how to spell suicide, now I can spell it without even thinking... I hate that !!!
So now that I am at least physically better... I need to shop for Christmas and try to do my best for the kids...