Making changes to my blog

I have made my bog open to the public and am making changes to hopefully get more traffic and earn some gooogle adsence moola I am hoping to start makeing daily posts again I am starting to feel better I think ...again...I need to find m y place in this world where I fit and who fits in with me..I am not the same person I was when I started this blog ...I am not the same person I was before I got sick and I am not the same person I was before December 5th 2010 when my youngest brother took his life by gunshot a suicide at only 34 years old I so wish I had did somethings diffrently and I think/hope he knows/knew how much I love/loved him see everything seems to have the / in it these days..Its as if the world is a different planet and the way people feel about me, and I, them, is all different now 'again' people really don't know how good they really have it and it just makes me want to puke!!!...
Grief,stress,illness and death changes you and I would like to say I am growing to be a stronger person, but somedays I feels so weak !
Rylan is learning now what Andrew learned after I lost the Babies that I cry alot.. and I usually cry in the car..... so, I wonder, does this make me stronger or weaker ?? I am not sure !!!

Then he died...

about Midnight my older brother, his wife and my nephew, Billy's oldest son, Billy, went down to the cafeteria.... I thought since he had been in surgery so long that it was a good sign...I had just asked someone the time because the cafeteria was still locked up and they said about another 5 minutes till it opens..... Randy then came down from upstairs up and told us that the doctors had just came in and told them that Billy was not doing well at all, he had had 2 heart attacks and they didn't think he was going to make it...
I wonder if they do this when they know a person is going to die and they want to prepare you for when they are going to let you know its not going to work out ???? Anyways 2 doctors came back out a while later and told us it was over they had done all they could do but he was gone ...My Mom said if he could donate any organs that she would want that done...But I guess after all his body had been through there really wasn't anything that could be given away....
The docs said the nurses were going to clean him up then we could go back and see him, so that's what we did..