The Mold years started in August 2008 with a water heater replacement that had leaked for 8 years...then we suffered 8 more years of sickness due to toxic black mold..
I hope this year holds good things in store...my goal this year will be to finally figure out what is wrong with my back...Last year I was able to get my shoulder and my stomach fixed..the year before that my sleep apnea..so now this year will be my back, oh and I will find out what food allergies I have on January 3rd...lets see last year was the first full year with out my brother Billy and half year without my Grandmother,family functions are just not the same :-( ...I have no resolutions to speak of for this next year I am just going to enjoy and savor the fact that I am here I am feeling better and enjoy what I have the here and now each and everyday...I will.also be getting my final tooth fixed yay as ypu know I have been having terrible teeth experiances with awful dentists ughh ...my most loved dentist that listened to me and fixed my mouth has taken a leave of absence that was so depressing for me to hear, hopefully the other dentist I have scheduled to fix my tooth will be just as good then I will be done hopfully for years and years with my teeth issues ....my goal for my blog will be a post or picture a day,everyday for the whole year...I should be able to do it since I am able to post stories and pictures from my phone ...who knows if I can be so disaplinned we shall see...
I made homemade chili today ...wow is it the prednisone making me feel better or the vitamins and herbs I don't know I just know I am feeling a little better still have the horrid cough from hell thats why I took the prednisone It lingered for Randy and Rylan too hopfully I am getting to the end of of this dang bug,The last time I have a cold this bad was when I was pregnant with Rylan and coughed so hard I started bleeding and went straight the the ER They did a ultrasound and we could see him streched out with his little hands behind his head and his feet crossed at his ankles, he still lays like that. I was only about what 10 weeks along {{I think}}..I had my emergancy cerclage the next morning that was almost 6 years ago exactly ... I am so happy the little guy was able to be saved he is such a joy to my whole family ..I Love you Rylan James !!!
Had a wonderful time at abbys pizza ..celebrating my mom my brother james and my mommys hubbys birthday..got to hold and feed baby Zane ohhh he is so sweet...funny when I fed him he was just kind of nibbling on the bottle but when his mama Latasha fed him he was very intently looking her in the eyes and sucking away like a litttle mad man lol...my nephew Billy has a hair cut he is so handsome also brought his girlfriend for us to meet a very pretty girl I can't remember her name though...of course we missed having big Billy and my Grandma there with us my mom gave me a beautiful locket with my grandmas birth year and death year I am going to add it to my chain with Wyatt,Tegan and Taylors birthstones...when we came home I was laying on the little couch and Rylan said my grandma was standing by me I asked him what she was doing and he said giving me a kiss so I said I am kissing her back, he said are you kissing her with your spirit and I said yes I am kissing her with my spirit ...he hasn't ever said anything like that before ....
I am back on my meds so that helps but I am think it much also have to with my cycle and have decied to add my gyno doc to my pot of docs I mean its not like I don't need to go in and get my yearly done its been 2 years...Look like I had this thought back in may as well..I am going to ask him to check my hormones and see whats up with them I am a pretty regular girl never had any female problems except a abnormal pap about 25 years ago but I am in my 40 when things can start changing so I want to see what my work up will look like ..
I just know the debilating pain and stiffness were not so bad today.. I was able to clean both bathrooms wash the sheets of the bed make dinner and load the dishwasher and spend a hour or two up on the dirt road watching Rylan ride his bike sans training wheels ..he is really getting big and grown up he wreaked once on the bike and didn't cry and then fell during a foot rase with the neighbor kid he wanted to cry I could see it in his face but he didn't he just jumpped around a bit then announced that he was OK ....Me well my heart was broken I can't stand to see my baby ok big BOY in pain I feel it for him ....
Mindi came out to visit and brought him a nerf gun and then proceded to shoot him in the face first shot ughh so I had to explain to my 28 year old daughter we don't point guns at the face !!! lol Rylan wasn't hurt but got a unintended lesson on why we don't point guns at people ....I hate guns myself even before Billy shot himself I don't like touching them or anything one of the reasons in becasue I always seem to inavertently point them in the wrong direction so I think its just better for me to not hold real guns..
I am glad Rylan also likes balls and his bike I feel those are nice hobbies for him ..
Today was a pretty good day for me ...I was able to clean both bathrooms do 3 loads of laundry and make tacos for dinner ...I only started getting a little short of breath while making dinner so thats not too bad ...We went and spent the night at my Moms Saturday night and stayed up till 1 playing Mexican dominos withher friends Andie and Paul ...it was good to have some good laughs seems we are all a little blind when it comes to the dots on the dominoes well every one except John and Randy LOL...
My Grandma is getting a bit more forgetful at time goes by so she will be living with my Mom and now has the cutest little trailer to live in ... Life is moving forward but not with out tears for Billy usually once a day ...At least I know that he did live life to the fullest and he never held back with anything he wanted to do, I do think he still thought he was invincible, even at 34He gave up so much that others would give anything to have Good health, beautiful healthy kids,a loving family a great job its just so darn sad !!!
lets see I have also been backing up my pictures to DVDs my well Randy's computer was acting a but screwy earlier and it always scares me when it does that so I am getting everything saves and put away. I have an external hard drive and I am not entirely sure if the problem is/was that or the computer ...I am looking forward to getting a new laptop soon and I am planning on starting a little internet business .That's the update for now . Did I mention already I am getting surgery on the 9th ,well I am getting nissen fundoplication and will spend 2 nights in the hospitial I can"t shave my legs two days before I go in and the first day I have my surgery I have to have a tube coming out my nose ohhhhh yuck Ya'll know how much I like tubes up my nose oh well ..This surgery should hopefully make me healthy~er
I will get to peek at my nieces little baby via ultrasound ...rumor is that her belly is getting big..I am taking my camera and video to film the little goober ...stay tuned for pictures tomorrow :-) oh and my nausea is feeling much better maybe it was just a long virus in any case I am glad to feel better ..
I am getting this close...to getting a pregnancy test just to see if thats what is causing my nausea...Let me first say I am about 1millon % sure i am not pregnant but gosh darn it why am I sick almost every freaking day for more than a month ...Well we will see maybe tomorrow I will run by the dollar store and pick up a cheapie just to be sure...
Still been working on getting the house organized and I am looking forward to my niece being able to use some of this baby stuff that I can't seem to part with I would like to get Rylan in his own room before he is a adult LOL and that stuff needs moved out first ...
I am considering home school for Rylan still don't know if I had mentioned that before I just can't seem to want to let go I am sure he would love school so I don"t know its just hard I have to whole summer to think about it though and I could even wait till next year to send him if I so choose ...
Andrew is doing great going to be 26 years old in 11 days oh my oh my oh my......we are going to 7 feathers this weekend to celebrate getting a room he is bringing a friend and they are getting their own room..looking forward to swimming eating and slot machines fun fun fun ....My Mom and her hubby and Joanie are going and also getting rooms I hope we win big I have never won big and honestly never really win little either but I don't gamble much and I do have fun at it so I can't wait :-)
I just learned last night that my Niece is going to be a Mama and I learned on Christmas Day that My Nephew's wife is having a baby too...On my way into town today to see the orthopedic doctors, I cried for the fact that Billy will never get to be a Great Uncle or see our Mother become a Great Gammy or my Grandma become a GGGramy and he himself will never see his own Grandchildren and just for the fact that he is gone from this earth and I won't see him at any of these happy occasions....
about Midnight my older brother, his wife and my nephew, Billy's oldest son, Billy, went down to the cafeteria.... I thought since he had been in surgery so long that it was a good sign...I had just asked someone the time because the cafeteria was still locked up and they said about another 5 minutes till it opens..... Randy then came down from upstairs up and told us that the doctors had just came in and told them that Billy was not doing well at all, he had had 2 heart attacks and they didn't think he was going to make it...
I wonder if they do this when they know a person is going to die and they want to prepare you for when they are going to let you know its not going to work out ???? Anyways 2 doctors came back out a while later and told us it was over they had done all they could do but he was gone ...My Mom said if he could donate any organs that she would want that done...But I guess after all his body had been through there really wasn't anything that could be given away....
The docs said the nurses were going to clean him up then we could go back and see him, so that's what we did..
It will be 1 month ago tomarrow/today depending on when you read this that my baby Brother shot himself ...gosh a month it seems like its been a lifetime but then is seems like it was yesterday ....
the phone call hearing my Mom voice it the background screaming not like screaming, screaming but that Oh My God he shot himself in disbelief screaming ....I did not even ask where he had been shot when John called, just hung up the phone and told Randy we had to go to the hospital.... "Billy had shoot himself"
Mindi was here we had just started working on my Moms Christmas present from Mindi...Mindi also had bought the boys new sweaters to get their pictures taken in ..those sweaters are still sitting on the end of the couch...
On the way to the hospital My SIL Anita called or My brother James I can't remember and told me Billy had shot himself in the chest... I thought OMG it won't be good, I was thinking earlier that maybe he shot himself in his head ...well when we arrived at the hospital someone told me that he was shot in the shoulder and I breathed a sigh of relief and thought, "well he will be ok then" ... Then a while later the ER doc came in and said it didn't look good but they were going to try and operate but he had lost half of his lung and damaged some very big artery's and lost 2 full body's worth of blood...the doc didn't think he could even handle the anesthesia for the surgery ...
Did you know when you have some one with a very life threatening condition they let your family stay in a private little room by the ER ? I did not know that till the 4th of December 2010... Billy Forever 34
I am starting to get over this sickness whatever it was it was bad bad bad .. Today I have been able to get out of bed and do a small amount of cleaning ok I started a load of laundry and folded a load of laundry and cleaned off the dining room table of a bit of mail ...That's a lot compared to what I have been able to do actually since Billy died...... I was actually getting sick on the first but wanted to wait and fill my prescription to make sure I was really sick on the 1st, then Billy shooting himself on the 4th and I just went numb I guess, I didn't feel sick, my shoulder didn't, hurt my back didn't hurt...The things that did get hurt is my heart, its still broken, my poor family...... we are a very close family and always spent holidays together and the biggest one of the year is the one we have to go through first...I really don't think Billy knew the damage that he would cause to himself the devastation of his life and those of us who love him...gosh there just aren't any words to explain how I feel...I do know that I want to do more things with my life I don't want to just sit and watch life pass my by ...Andrew is home we will be back on creative supports and then doing activities and I want to make as good of a life for my kids as possible I don't ever want them to think suicide is the only way out ...gosh 3 weeks ago I didn't even know how to spell suicide, now I can spell it without even thinking... I hate that !!!
So now that I am at least physically better... I need to shop for Christmas and try to do my best for the kids...
That's all I just feel sick today ...woke with a cold and have been nauseated all day... I am irritated with people who really don't know grief and somehow think you can just turn it off and be ok ...its not like that, not like that at all...
I always dream of water after people or pets I love die so here is my dream from last night .......
I was at my house babysitting Josiah and Clara Joshia and was in my closet doing something and Josiah came in and wanted me to to bucked a life jacket on him "I said Josiah we are not going swimming so you don't need it right now"....then we all, him Clara and Rylan came out of my room and found that a flood was happening there was even water in the house ...... I was OMG so we stood there a moment and then the water receded I watched in recede as I was looking down at the door jam thing on the floor and we went to the front of the house and we looked out the glass door at a beautiful pick/red blooming rosebush and we could see gold glimmers around it and I got my camera and we went outside and I seen that it was little golden angels, they looked like cherubs, but were see through golden sparkly color the kids and I were fascinated I was getting ready to take the picture and the kids ran up to the rosebush and I told them "no don't go to close or we will scare them away and won't get a picture" it was too late, they ran right up to it and the little angels flew off.. oh well I thought,
so we went back in the house and Randy and my Mom was there in the living room and we started talking about how much I hate our carpet and that I want lanolium and of course he didn't, I was explaining we could get beautiful throw rugs, big ones and I pointed to the other side of the room which was very big and said see like that kind like my mom has...... then walked over there and my mom was with me.... I looked down the other way and I had this wonderful fancy kitchen room and I told my mom "I didn't even know I had this side of my house, how could I live here and not even know it exsisited" looked towards the other way and there were more beautiful rooms so we walked and the rooms were so fancy and I just kept saying "how did I not know I had this, it so wonderful"
and as we are walking, rylan was with us and there were more and more beautiful rooms then we came to the outside but there was no door just open space then in front of me was a us cellular store and we went past it and there were counter type restaurants and buffet restaurants and carnival rides and lots of people and kids playing so we stopped at a ride that was like a Farris wheel but different and I told my mom I was going on it and I rode with a lady I don't know, it was nice ride.... coming down scared me, as it always does on those rides, we came down and I got off
and my mom and I continued walking and looking around at all the fun rides and things,then my phone started ringing and I tried to answer it but it was doing a weird beep thing that my phone in real life does but I could see who it was from it said Chel~dees mom and I said oh I need to take out the battery so I can call her back... I took the back off my phone and the battery was in pieces some as small as dust,so I said I need to go back to us cellular and have it fixed I have the warranty plan, so as we are walking back we decided we were hungry.... but my mom said she wasn't that she had already ate this morning so I said why don't you take rylan and go to this buffet and then I will walk to the phone place and get my phone fixed or borrow one and come right back.... so I waited till she paid for the food and then I left walking back to the cell phone place and along my way there were more rides, kid rides but not gas rides more like a fancy fancy playground, one of them was like rylans play coaster in the yard, but these were bigger and wound around in big trees so the kids could just get on them and coast down they were having so much fun and I had to be careful that one of them didn't run into me....... then I noticed that they all like rubber stoppers that would stop the rides gently so the kids didn't get hurt...... I made my way through and discovered that to get through back to the phone place I needed to climb over tree stump like things, it was like when we go fishing at the coast on the jetty and you have to hop from rock to rock to get out there, I was also passing people going the other way too..... I got one point that I didn't know if I could make the hop and I looked down and girl was laying in the water it was like a small decorative pond that a person would have in their yard.....I can't remember if her head was under the water it seem like it was, and she told me don't try to jump from there that's what she had done, she told me now one of her lungs was half filled with water, she really didn't seem to distressed about it other than she didn't think I should go that way..... I looked and seen the phone place was just on the other side of where she was laying ...***Dream over ....I heard Andrews phone ringing and it woke me up it was Randy calling to check on me I looked at the clock and it was black I didn't think much of it just laied there I heard andrew andswer and tell someone I was still asleep then I looked at5 my ipod its 1:37 Randy was calling to see how I was ...so I thought I am going t5o type this dream in my blog so I don't forget it so I came in here and tried to turn the power on at didn't work either somehow the fuse was blown weird I had to flip the breaker ....I have heard before that after someon dies they can do thing with electricity because there energy dosn't5 die just your body so I don't just weird how that happened its never happened like that before and its not the usueall breaker that flips like if I am running the sapce heating in the bathroom and try to blow dry my hair ....
also a night or two before billy died I had a dream about my Grandpa Lee I can't remember it all but the just the importance of he said I had to stay in a room it wasn't threatening or anything just that I had to stay in a room and he wouldn't tell me why ... I would say Grandpa I don't want to stay in this room, but he said I must ....the only other dream I have had of my grandpa Lee was years ago and he told me he really love my grandma and that the watch necklace would prove it ...
The funeral is over .......I am sitting here tonight and I feel lost.. empty.. confused ...like life is starting over, the new chapter without my brother in it ... I don't know what to do, even though I know this road of grief ...its a hellish road.... a road I don't want to go down, but know that I must...... its a long road, a tearful road.... a road with no color....... a road that I will stay on forever, but I know that as I continue on.... the color will come back..... I know this from experience...My heart breaks for my Mom and my other brothers my nieces and nephews.. I know that they will experience different things and different feelings on their road and it makes me sad that these roads are ours to travel alone, even when we are together!!!!!
My eulogy that I wrote for the funeral
I wish I didn’t have to say anything…. I wish we weren’t here today….. I wish Billy was home with his family or at work, anywhere, anywhere but here……
Billy I will miss you . I am trying to find words that convey the loss that I will forever feel…. the loss of you …
your hugs
your smile
your skinny long legs always running to the car to see what you could help carry..
all I have ever wanted for you is
goodness,
happiness,
love,
family,
friendship….
I will always cherish the times we got to be together
birthdays,
holidays,
births,
deaths
happy Joys and
tearfull goodbyes….
We were and are family forever
Remember when I was pregnant with Mindi you were 9 years old and everyday you would come home from school and ask “if the baby was here yet”, you were so excited for her arrival….. I am so sad that Rylan is so little that you will pretty much be a picture on the wall to him, he won’t know what a fun Uncle you were, But I will always tell him about you ..
When your own children were born you were over the moon excited I am very proud of you and the way you took to being a Daddy… I know the joy that Billy Skyler, Allyssa Ariel and Emily brought to you and the awful sadness that you had at the loss of Korina, I picture you now with Korina on your lap and the awesome joy at being together with her…I promise you I will always be there for your kids I will tell them always, that you love them so very, very much…. God Bless you my brother I LOVE YOU
Billy my Baby Brother has Died December 5 2010 with 338 gun to his upper right chest/shoulder area the doctors tried all they could he just couldn't be saved I will always miss him ...
Rylan helped me make dinner tonight... we had hamburger patties frind with onions then boiled in brown gravy and mashed potatoes that he put in the pan after a attempt at peeling, he wasn't so great at that part... then he helped mash them he loved helping and actually ate more than just a few bites Yeah :-)
My second cousin on my Great Grandfathers side was killed in a semi truck / auto accident last night ..I did not know here but am friends with her sister through our love of family genealogy that as a matter of fect id how we found each other about 10 years ago...My heart is so sad for her family and it is just another nudge to tell me enjoy everyday because you just never know when its your time to go ..click here for the News story and another here
Now days if I am not having a procedure, recovering from a procedure, seeing a doctor or driving to the doctors......... I am on the phone figuring out hospital bill mess ups on both their part and mine
then after a hour of that, I am now working on the pharmacy screw up again ughhh ...this will include a drive to town ..I told Randy for 100% sure we are not getting this pharmacy plan again ..what a pain in the ass !!! Now I am going to go call and see how my Grandma is doing then off to town to fax yet more papers for the refi on the rental in town I guess it all works out since I have to go to the pharmacy anyways to show them our insurance card that i show every time I go there urggg I do love my pharmacy people though they know me by name and always are nice to me and never treat me stupid :-)...
so its not 4:18 and I still haven't got the insurance stuff worked out... all day long in the car or on the phone just to try to get straitened out what they messes up on ...what a pain oh and I will have to call later this week to make sure what needs done gets done great !!! gonna go relax before I need to get dinner together !! oh yeah and just for good measure when I tried to pay for my prescription my debit card was declined so over to the parking lot did the automated teller thing that yes I went to dairy queen today before the pharmacy drove back to the drive through was declined again so back to the parking lot get the phone dieal and Rylan has to go poop yeah !!! so I get him with a pull up on finally talk with a real person because ..............ok real quick it takes 24 hrs to unlock your card unless you talk to a live person ..she stayed with me till the charge went through ...gotta run bye bye .......
