I am lost

The funeral is over .......I am sitting here tonight and I feel lost.. empty.. confused ...like life is starting over, the new chapter without my brother in it ... I don't know what to do, even though I know this road of grief ...its a hellish road.... a road I don't want to go down, but know that I must...... its a long road, a tearful road.... a road with no color....... a road that I will stay on forever, but I know that as I continue on.... the color will come back..... I know this from experience...My heart breaks for my Mom and my other brothers my nieces and nephews.. I know that they will experience different things and different feelings on their road and it makes me sad that these roads are ours to travel alone, even when we are together!!!!!

My eulogy that I wrote for the funeral

I wish I didn’t have to say anything…. I wish we weren’t here today….. I wish Billy was home with his family or at work, anywhere, anywhere but here……
Billy I will miss you . I am trying to find words that convey the loss that I will forever feel…. the loss of you …
your hugs
your smile
your skinny long legs always running to the car to see what you could help carry..
all I have ever wanted for you is
goodness,
happiness,
love,
family,
friendship….
I will always cherish the times we got to be together
birthdays,
holidays,
births,
deaths
happy Joys and
tearfull goodbyes….
We were and are family forever
Remember when I was pregnant with Mindi you were 9 years old and everyday you would come home from school and ask “if the baby was here yet”, you were so excited for her arrival….. I am so sad that Rylan is so little that you will pretty much be a picture on the wall to him, he won’t know what a fun Uncle you were, But I will always tell him about you ..
When your own children were born you were over the moon excited I am very proud of you and the way you took to being a Daddy… I know the joy that Billy Skyler, Allyssa Ariel and Emily brought to you and the awful sadness that you had at the loss of Korina, I picture you now with Korina on your lap and the awesome joy at being together with her…I promise you I will always be there for your kids I will tell them always, that you love them so very, very much…. God Bless you my brother I LOVE YOU